Emily Prucha is a writer for the Prague Daily Monitor but she is also married to a Czech man. In her recent article Emily describes communication skills (or the lack of) of her Czech husband Radek. Listen to this:
CZ: Emily Pruchova je dopisovatelka pro Prague Daily Monitor a je take vdana za ceskeho muze. Ve jejim nekdejsim clanku popisuje Radkovi ‘zvlastni’ komunikacni vlastnosti – jeji postrehy jsou vskutku velmi zajimave:
‘From the beginning of our relationship, I knew that Radek and I had strikingly different temperaments. Still, it took us several years to realize that many of our arguments resulting from miscommunications had as much to do with our cultural upbringings as our individual personal traits. In many cases, some of my husband’s most admirable attributes are the ones that strike the greatest discord when we disagree. It’s highly likely, that the same goes for me. Early on in our dating days Radek and I went to a sporting goods store so I could look for new running tights. He helped me pick out a few pairs, and I went into the dressing room to try them on. When I modeled them for his approval, I was shocked and hurt when he honestly replied, “They are no good. You have short legs and the pants make your legs look even shorter.” Tearful, I fled the dressing room and the shopping trip was aborted. A few minutes later my Czech girlfriend who witnessed the scene tried to calm me down by saying Radek wasn’t trying to be insensitive, and that she understood why I was upset, but that she also understood Radek’s perspective. While there have been many times since that moment, that I have truly appreciated Radek’s directness, this was one of the times that I hated the Czech propensity for honesty.
Growing up, I’d been raised that being polite was paramount. Criticisms, particularly regarding something as personal as someone’s style, were usually softened with an accompanying compliment. (Those pants aren’t as flattering as some I’ve seen you wear. Why don’t you try another pair?) While the end result is the same (the pants are no good), after spending 25 years dancing linguistically around sensitive issues, Radek’s honesty seemed like a slap in the face. Now, 7 years later, I’ve become accustomed to Radek’s style of direct communication and his lack of giving much verbal praise. In our relationship, outward compliments from Radek are rare, but when they come I feel as if I’ve won the lottery, and they tend to carry me through the times when he assumes I know he’s proud of me, without telling me. During one of our recent discussions about improving our martial communication, Radek told me, “Why do I need to tell you that I’m happy with you? I’m happy 90% of the time and when I’m not happy, then I’ll tell you.” I groaned. I tried to set him straight by telling him once again, I’d really appreciate hearing regular positive reinforcement. Although I knew I was fighting a personal as well as a cultural battle.’
Although I am not married to a Czech man many of Emily’s words resonate with me quite a bit. Let’s face it – we Czechs are bad communicators. Ever since we were little we grew up in an environment where praises were not expressed unless you have done something REALLY special. Whether it was our parents or our teachers, most of the time we were told what we have done wrong and that was that. In America, the communication approach is totally different – people are so much more positive and encouraging! I remember after just couple of months of being part of the American school system I started feeling so smart! I did my homework, I was getting A’s and B’s and guess what? I was getting praised for it from my teachers! My ‘old’ teachers in Czech considered good grades and finished homework as a certainty and most of them did not care if you had good grades or not.
The Czech communication lacks not only in positivity but also in efficient conflict resolution techniques; most things just get swept under the carpet and later become those scary skeletons in the closet. The reason is not just because things get uncomfortable during an argument but people start yelling as well and then both sides get hurt and retrieve into their ‘safe’ shells before anything gets solved . I myself had to learn how to communicate more efficiently, especially with my husband. I mean, who does not need a course in a better communication, right? But I think since I am Czech I needed a double dosage. I needed to learn how to listen without interruption and rolling of my eyeballs, how to state the positives besides the negatives; I needed to learn to say things like “I am sorry I hurt your feelings” and “I love you” (in Czech those expressions sound almost laughable). And, believe me, I still have a lot of work ahead of me! I think it will be a lifetime process for me…
How about you? How does you Czechness get in a way of a healthy communication?
CZ: I kdyz nejsem vdana za ceskeho manzela jako Emily, hodne jejich slov se mnou rezonuje. Podivejme se pravde do oci – Cesi moc dobri komunikatori nejsou. Jiz od utleho mladi jsme moc tech pochval neobrdrzeli, az kdyz jsme provedli neco opravdu senzacniho. At to byli nasi rodice nebo ucitele, vestinou nam bylo receno, co jsme udelali spatne a tim to koncilo. Americani to delaji proti nam ‘vzuru nohama’; jsou totiz hrozne pozitivni a povzbuzujici vas v cemkoliv, co delate. Musim rici, ze Americky skolni system se mnou (a to jiz po par mesicich) udelal divy. Vite proc? Protoze jsem se zacala citit chytre! Nedelala jsem nic zvlastniho, proste jsem mela vcas dokoncene domaci ukoly, dostavala jsem A-cka a B-cka a ucitele si me kvuli tomu hrozne pochvalovali. To same jsem delala na gymplu v Cechach, ale tam se takove veci brali za samozrejmost, zadnou specialni pochvalu jsem nedostala.
Nedostatek positivity neni jediny problem, s kterym Cesi bojuji (nebo spis nebojuji). Nikdo nas nenaucil, jak se spravne resi konflikty. Vetsina veci se proste zahrabe pod koberec a uz se o tom tematu nikdy nemluvi. Proc? Zaprve je nam velmi neprijemne bavit se o ‘takovych’ vecech a za druhe na sebe lidi zacnou rvat a pak uz jakakoliv realna diskuze mizi za obzorem. Ja osobne jsem na sobe musela dosti zapracovat, co se tyka komunikace a to hlavne s mym manzelem. To se vi, vsichni se potrebuji v tomto smeru zlepsit, ale ja jsem toho treningu potrebovala dvoji davku a to proto, ze jsem Ceska. Musela jsem se naucit, jak bez prerusovani poslouchat toho druheho, jak nekoulit otravene ocima, jak mluvit take o tech pozitivnich vecech a nejen tech negativnich. Musela jsem se naucit jak rici slova jako “Mrzi me, ze jsem te zranila” nebo “Mam te rada” (v cestine to zni skoro smesne). A verte mi, ze mam pred sebou jeste dlouhou cestu, nez dosahnu alespon jakesi castecne dokonalosti!
A co vy? Jak se vase ceska povaha ‘zapletla’ (nebo nezapletla?) do vaseho komunikacniho stylu?
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I agree with this!!! I was just talking about this with my fiance yesterday and he said that it was very difficult for him in the beginning and now that we have been with each other for over 4 years it is finally a lot better but I still struggle with this. Even though I was raised in America my household was extremely Czech and their beliefs and their mannerisms definitley influenced me a great deal.
I have also had to adjust to being more affectionate, my family was never quite as “huggy” as my American friends’ parents. I used to think that it was very odd and it made me a bit uncomfortable…I have worked VERY hard to become better at this as well!
Yes! Hugging is very un-Czech, isn’t it? The new generation tends to be more huggy but the generation of our parents has definitely the hand-shaker vibe 😉
I agree that we, Czech people, are “special” 🙂
The Czechness definitely gets in a way of a healthy communication, specially if my boss was from India and when I asked him if there were many elephants on roads during morning commute, he got upset and told me, they were using bicykles…. I told him a horse would be a better choice….
Needless to say, that after making several honest attempts to communicate with him, I am not working for that company any longer 😉
Exactly, but I am from the old generation because I was raised in the U.S. from my parent’s older mannerisms. Very different and it was very tough to adjust to!
Regarding hugging: I don’t know, it looks like I grew up in a hug-friendly environment in a remote Czech village (15km outside of Prague).. I don’t need to mention, that mostly it was girls who fell victim to my hugging habits :)))
Vlastimil, very funny! Good for you! I bet it was mostly the girls!!!:)
Verunka,
You bet:)
Dobry clanek, Tano!
It’s right on.
We definitely face the same issues except the other way around.
🙂
American wed Czech girls ….. Isn’t it boring to hear “I love you, I love you….” all the time ???
Ahoj Tanja,
This is not a unique to Czechs only problem.
However, the Czechs know how to convert it into a funny movie. (Vratne lahve)
Slán,
Albert
Hi Vlastik,
It actually feels good! And of course it is not ‘all the time’ like you say 😉 C’mon, who would not like to be said that someone likes/loves them? And then, it’s like a miracle happens, once you heard it out loud, you feel more secure and start saying it back! It turns out to be a really healthy thing for relationships 🙂 – even the experts say so!
Hi Albert,
I know, I don’t think Germans like to hug either; something tells me they like it even less than the Czechs 🙂
Have not seen Vratne lahve yet…
I admit, I only read the first paragraph before you click on the “read the rest” link because it is late, but I still have something to say, having dated an American, Slovak and one more nationality: the poor man was just being honest, because that is what you are if you already ARE in a relationship. For better or worse, right? This is it. You see your wife’s hair in the drain, you clean the toilet you use together and you want an honest reply. He will LOVE you with your short legs but he will want to tell you his POV about them (the legs) just in case you want to visit a gym, come back embarassed and say “why didn’t you tell me so”?
Nine
Aber Mar 29, Ya
Aufveder Snitchel
Albert
I know what you are saying Petr but then you can always state the truth in love, in other words, it is better accepted if it is covered with some pinkish fluff (I think they call it a “sandwich” here – you start with a positive, then you state what’s bugging you and then you end with a positive; works like a charm; not saying it is easy to do though!)
“Sandwich” in English comes in different shapes 🙂
For example in NJ they advertise a “Footlong” for $5 😉
I think the Czech way is much healthier. People don’t need to blather their appreciation all the time, especially for ordinary things, the way many Americans do. (This kind of talk is mostly women’s communication anyway, not men’s.) And don’t you find it particularly sickening when you’re in public and you hear a mother sing that robotic “I LOve you!” to her kid at the end of a routine cellphone call about where the peanut butter is? It’s just too much.
That frothy American style is very damaging to children when they enter college and the real world. Because they are overpraised for everything, they think making half an effort makes them “awesome!” In the business press it’s currently a big topic of discussion that kids from the generation currently finishing college have been so overpraised all their lives that they’re hard to manage in a workplace with realistic expectations and objective feedback. (Keep in mind that this excessive praise is a relatively new thing in American culture.)
It’s especially damaging to kids who are perceived to have real talent at something. I had trouble at the beginning of college, because I was so used to being told that everything I drew or painted was terrific (my undergrad major was painting) that I didn’t work hard enough. It took me almost a whole semester to see my own efforts objectively, because I had never been told before that anything I did was bad or mediocre, or that I hadn’t worked hard enough at it.
And face it, when people use that oblique “American” style (which is definitely not universal in the US), sometimes the intended message just doesn’t get across. Often when criticism is softened, the person receiving it doesn’t realize how bad a situation is, or may not even perceive the criticism at all.
Hi Jamie,
it’s good to have you back! I partially agree with you but I think that the happy medium would work the best for all of us.
If you grew up in this totally unsupportive environment you would have a different outlook on things. Believe me, that is where a lot of us Czechs get various psychological hang-ups from (including those purple hair we talked about). I did have one great Math teacher at my gymnasium (high school) and she made a world of difference in my life. She was supportive and praised her pupils (can’t think of the American word for ‘pupil’,sorry) and guess what? That’s why I wanted to be a math teacher for the longest time!
Tanja is right,
sometimes the midway is the best solution.
Overpraising is bad, but underpraising is bad as well.
At work, it happens very often, that, though the management is happy with my work, they never say words of appreciation. On the other side they never forget to remind me that they pay me good money..(that’s what they think :))
Many times I would agree to lower my salary for telling me “thank you for the good job”
should be: I would agree to lower my salary in xchange for telling me “thank you for the good job”
Vlastimil: Don’t you know the Czech saying “you don’t have to thank me ever since money was invented”? :)) Many Czechs think “screw the positive feedback, just pay me on time”.
JAIME: Yeah, the I Love You problem. I shall dissect it in my next post :))
The Czech Daily Word:
no, I don’t know that saying….I was growing up in a communist paradise, where money was no object (no value to talk about to be exact :))
Tanja, don’t assume I didn’t grow up in the type of environment Czech kids do. That habit of overpraising is less than 30 years old, I’d say, and I’m more than 30 years old.
My parents raised my siblings and me the same way Czech or German children are raised (which was also the typical way American kids were raised), and I only got real praise when I did something really great.
The resulting psychological hangups are quite healthy, because in adult life I’ve seen myself achieve much more than other Americans in many situations, largely because I don’t need praise as a motivator, and because I don’t baby myself or feel “special” because I did something ordinary.
I don’t think a mid-way point is better, and the healthiest way is more like the way Czechs are raised.
Another benefit is that Czech girlfriends and wives are famously low-maintenance compared to American ones, which I think makes for a better partnership most of the time.
Jamie,
I still think the midway is the best solution given the fact we live in USA with “I love you very much”
environment.
If you would use the Czech way, you would be understood as an ubearably rude person…
In my family, when nobody is watching 🙂 , we are using the Czech way, which would be too shocking for
outsiders.
It has resulted in my kids case being really great achievers..
When they came to US, they could not speak English, in one year, they were honor students in high school and college.
I also (as your parents did) praise my children (not exactly children, but to me they will always be..) only when they really achieved something great. And they sure did, but I did not want to spoil them and become sissies…
On the other side, when they did something extraordinary, I showed them how happy I was and I did not hesitate to take celibration to next levels 🙂
Simply said, we should not be afraid to show real feelings (rain or shine) but use them sparingly 😉
The way I was raised was the same. I was NEVER overpraised. In fact, I wouldn’t say she was a “strict” mother in that sense but she was HONEST. I am in music and it has been the biggest blessing for me having been raised that way. The friends that I have that were raised in very “that was great” no matter what environments are having a hard time with this career. I cannot say that I never cried with some of her honesty but at least I know I am doing the right thing and not struggling to be a ballet dancer, when I am NOT very graceful! 🙂 She helped guide me a great deal!
Also, she was amazing with not placing looks over brains and a good heart. I think that is something that is rare and though it does not make sense to a 13 year old girl(at the time)…well, now, I am very grateful to her brutally honest yet empowering words! Don’t get me wrong, I will still always hear “You are not eating enough” from my Czech family members and I am sure I would hear the opposite as well if I was heavy, but I am and will always be grateful for the honesty!
I have that same quality in me and my friends laugh at it all the time and the beautiful thing was that my fiance used to not be so honest and now he IS. 🙂 I can tell he is so much happier and does not have so much “stuck” inside and doesn’t always have to “sugar coat” the truth- which is difficult in itself!
I love reading these blogs! Thank you Tanja!
Tanja,
it looks likw your blog is really taking off and you got many fans (including me;;)
Sorry for being brutally honest 🙂
Those damn I-Love-You’s… I often suffer when I have to translate sitcoms and there is a mom saying “I love you, honey” to her pre-teen daughter who is on her way to school. Czechs would say (IF there was that kind of habit, that is) “I LIKE you, mom”…
BY THE WAY, another thing worth mentioning is how Americans add the first name when addressing relatives, especially aunts and uncles. I.e. “Hey, uncle Charlie” (Two and a half Men). You NEVER see/hear that in Czech, we just say “Hey, uncle”…
So I just talked to my American friend and presented her the whole “You are so great!” vs. “You are not good enough” issue and she said she grew up in a parental environment where anything she did was just GREAT. She said that the good thing about it is that she has no problem with self-confidence (and she is not stuck up or anything, believe me) but she also said that it made her not try to be better at anything – since she was doing so “great” all the time.
I can really see her point and what it is you guys are talking about. I am still sticking with Vlastik, though, happy medium is the best :))
“Hey, uncle” sounds only slightly less impersonal than “hey, you”.
“Two and a Half Men”, eh? I see the Czechs are importing the highest-quality American TV.
I notice that the Czech networks buy the very junkiest American TV shows, and then after they go on the air, the average Czech at home complains that we “dump” our junk on them. But who chose it? Who arranged it? Who watches it?
The Czech Daily Word: If uncle is 3 years older, than I call him by name ….
Jamie,
when visiting Czech Republic 5 years ago, I could not believe, what American junk they show on Czech TV…And you are right… Nobody dumps anything on Czechs over there, they simply get what they pay for :)) I think some of those soap operas Made in USA and showed in Czech Republic should be illegal :)))
I was disgusted one year when I saw what the Czechs actually produced. There was a comedy skit on CTV featuring simulated acts that were obscene beyond belief, absolutely pornographic, and they were it was shown at a time when kids were still likely to be up.
The Czechs buy disgusting American shows, but they produce filth of their own, as well.
If I was disgusted, it had to have been really bad, because I’m not particularly Puritanical.
I think there are number of different issues here that are getting confused and conflated.
Jaimie- What exactly is the “Czech way” that you think is better? To actually not say “I love You”? Or to only have a weak version of it (I like you)? For ‘Czech daily word’ guy to not know how to translate it to me seems to be the unfortunate side of one end of the spectrum that cannot possibly be healthy.
But the other side of the extreme spectrum being the ‘my kid can’t do wrong’ method of the Starbucks frequenting-latte sipping-soccer mommies in their giant SUV’s (gone wild)is ridiculous as well. Somewhere along the line, overprotective, overpraising mommies have infiltrated the school systems and we now have games with no scores where everybody wins, (we wouldn’t want anyone to feel the pain of losing now would we!?)the banishing of red pens for grading papers (red is mean!)and a pervading zeitgeist where ANY criticism is bad. This is equally destructive -but in different ways.
If a kid is told that EVERYTHING he does is great then he will suffer. But if he is rarely praised, told he is too short for this, too fat for that and then never told he is loved then of course he will suffer as well. If parents can’t figure out the balance between communicating to their child he is valued, loved and capable on one side, and on the other his need to be prepared for the harsh realities of life outside the happy family bubble- well, then they need to read some good books on parenting. Sometimes a kid needs to be praised just for ‘trying’ and other times he needs to told that ‘trying’ sometimes is not good enough. Much depends on the personality, temperament and age of the kid as well as the context of the praise or criticism. Good parenting understands that context is a huge factor.
As far as the communication between the sexes goes- the bluntness of, “Your legs are fat”, isn’t going to help anybody. The truth sometimes hurts but LOVE seeks to communicate it in a constructive or at least less than hurtful way.
Jamie,
regarding Czech shows you enjoyed so much… I don’t have any expectation about a hifg quality of these shows, but on the other side, Czechs are quite “freethinkers” if it comes to sex… What you think is obscene, is simply “white-trash” kind of entertainment, but as I know, almost nobody gets upset…
Live and let live…
keef,
I was trying as well, though in a less educated manner, to say that some kind of a midway is the best.. One has to simply “know” how to behave . It is really not good to try to put children or other people down even by saying “innocent” jokes…
But sometimes it is good to tell children ( in case they fail in doing something) to get used to it, that there will be many more failures in their lifes and they have to clean up their mess by themselves. At the same time, they may be assured, we are always here for them to step in …
Ahoj Tanja,
I am neither a hugger nor a kisser. A little, yes.
Saturday I went to dance titled “Ein Abend in Wien”
The music was good (Variety – waltz and polka etc)
The food was good (Schnitzel, Rostbraten, etc).
And I dances the night way – right one hand around the Lady and holding her right hand in my left.
Each dance was 3-7 minutes long. “Is dancing that akin to hugging?”
Sunday, at the CZSLHA meeting, I saw Vratné lahve and have some comments and a few questions.
Please compare and contrast Czech Schools with American Elementary thru High schools in a future CzMate article.
Are Czech schools that bad? In Baltimore there are many messenger boys on bicycles.
A few do get injured but I doubt that they could break through an Iron grill fence as shown in the film.
The plot is about an elderly gentleman suffering from Erectile Dysfunction syndrome.
It contained a few nice flash backs, two side plots and a beautiful hot-air balloon adventure to end the film.
Slán
Albert
Tanja, frankly speaking, I prefer the rude way of Czech communicators as long as they’re specific on what is wrong.
I’ve had enough of American superficiality and sensitivity. Why can’t they take criticism well? And what is this psychological bull having to do with this?
Actions always speak louder than words.
It’s not psychological bull, it’s just a ‘Pavlov’s dogs’ rule. If someone keeps spitting criticism at you over and over, then that’s going get imprinted on your psyche (i.e. low self-esteem, the inability to accept compliments in a healthy way..)