Czech jokes: funny and cruel at the same time? / Ceske vtipy: vtipne a zaroven krute?

I was thinking about making post about Czech jokes the other day, about how funny and yet so cruel they can be! The first google result brought me to the My Czech Republic forum where participants talk just about this particular topic. One of the participant’s response (Petr B) was especially helpful in forming these following ideas. He says: “About Czech jokes. I don’t think we have those “how many … takes to exchange a bulb”, “knock-knock” or “lawyer” jokes…”. He is right, I did not even realize that! Here are some of the categories that me and the forum guy came up with:

CZ: Chtela jsem napsat post o ceskych vtipech a pri svem googlovani jsem natrefila na forum My Czech Republic, kde se lide bavili prave o tomto tematu. Jedna osoba (Petr B) byla velmi dulezita pri formovani techto skupin:

1. Chauvinist/Feminist jokes

1. Feminists from all over the world are having a huge meeting. On the stage appears an English feminist and says: “I came home, I hit the table with my wrist and said to my husband:”I am not cooking from now on”. I see nothing the first week or the second week, but the first week I see my husband cooking dinner.” The hall vibrates with a great applause. The second guest speaker is a German feminist and says: “I came home, hit the table with my fist and said to my husband: ” I am not doing laundry from now on!”. I see nothing the first week or the second week. The third week, I see my husband doing the laundry.” Even greater applause came from the audience. Then the Czech feminist goes on stage and says: “I came home, hit the table with my fist and said to my husband: “From now on, I am not cooking or doing the laundry.” The first week I see nothing; the second week I see nothing; when third week rolls around I am starting to see with one eye.”
CZ: Feministky z celého světa mají sjezd. Na pódium vystoupí anglická feministka a povídá: “Přišla jsem domů, bouchla jsem do stolu a říkám: Ode dneška nevařím. První týden nic nevidím, druhý týden nic nevidím a třetí týden vidím svého muže vařit.” Mohutný potlesk.
Vystoupí německá feministka a povídá: “Já jsem přišla domů, bouchla jsem do stolu a říkám: Ode dneška neperu. První týden nic nevidím, druhý týden nic nevidím a třetí týden vidím svého muže prát.” Ještě větší potlesk, posluchačky bouří nadšením.
Na pódium vystoupí česká feministka a povídá: “Přišla jsem domů, bouchla jsem do stolu a říkám: Ode dneška už neperu ani nevařím. První týden nic nevidím, druhý týden nic nevidím a třetí týden začínám vidět na pravé oko.

2. A woman came to the doctor, totally black and purple in the face. “What happened to you, miss?” says the doctor. “When my husband comes home from the pub every night, he beats me. What should I do to prevent this horrible behavior?”

“Make yourself a chamomile tea and right when your husband gets home from the pub, start gargling with the tea. Come back in a week for a check-up.”

In a week the woman comes back for her check-up, completely healed-up in her face and says:”It worked,doctor! He does not beat me anymore!” The doctor says: “I knew that if you shut up, everything is going to be fine..”

CZ: Přišla paní k lékaři – modrá, zelená, zbitá.
“Co se vám stalo, paní?”
“Když se muž vrátí opilý z hospody, pokaždé mě takhle zmlátí. Co mám dělat, pane doktore?”
“Udělejte si heřmánkový čaj a když přijde muž z hospody, kloktejte. A po týdnu se ukažte.”
Za týden paní přijde, žádné stopy po pranici:
“Zabralo to, pane doktore, nezmlátil mě!”
“Milá paní, já to věděl. Stačilo držet hubu…..”

2. Jokes about stupid/corrupt cops (police is generally not liked in the Czech Republic since they take bribes from people).

A prospective policeman is being interviewed:

The interviewer asks a question: “So,gentlemen, we are no idiots here – show us how you can decline the word “apple”.

The first guy goes: “Ja blko, ty blko, on blko (complete nonsense). The interviewer says: “That was great! Above all expectations! How about this other guy, can you decline the word “city”?

The second guy goes: “Me sto, tobe sto a veliteli tri sta!” (again complete nonsense). The interviewer says: “Perfect! Both of you got the job!”
CZ: [Probíhá konkurz na nového policajta]
Předseda komise klade otázku: Tak uchazeči, tady nejsme žádní hlupáci, takže nám ukážete, jak umíte skloňovat. Uchazeči 1, vyskloňujte nám slovo “jablko”.
Uchazeč 1: Já blko, ty blko, on blko.
Předseda komise: Nad očekávání skvělé, ale přece jen dáme šanci i dalšímu uchazeči. Uchazeči 2, vyskloňujte nám slovo “město”.
Uchazeč 2: Mě sto, tobě sto a veliteli tři sta!
Předseda komise: Perfektní, bereme Vás.

3. Pepicek (a little schoolboy’s name) jokes:

The family is eating dinner. Mom asks her unhappy-looking son:”What’s wrong Pepicku?” “I don’t like my sister”. “Then put her on the side of the plate”.

CZ: Rodina ji veceri. Maminka se zepta otraveneho Pepicka:”Co ti Pepicku prosimte je?” “Nemam rad svoji sestru.” “Tak ji dej na kraj talire.”

4. Jokes comparing nationalities (usually Czech, German, Russian and American):

1. The Englishman gets up, looks around and gets off the tram.
- The American gets up, looks around to see if he’s left anything behind and then gets off the tram.
- The Czech gets up, looks around to see if anyone else has left anything behind and then gets off the tram.

5. Black humor jokes

- this is a mild one, I know..:

Mom decided that she needed to start exercising when she was sixty and started walking 5 kilometers a day. She is now ninety and we have no idea where she is.

CZ: Matka se rozhodla, že potřebuje začít cvičit, když ji bylo šesdesat a začala chodit pět kilometrů každý den. Ted’ jí je devatesat a nemáme žadne poneti, kde je.

Now let’s close up with some adorable laughing Czech baby:

Source: http://www.myczechrepublic.com/boards/viewtopic.php?t=4939&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=30