My hubby also tried to learn Czech… / Muj manzel se take pokousel naucit cesky…

I might have told you that my husband had tried to learn Czech in the past. Now I would like to tell you little more details about it because it is pretty unbelievable. We were searching for a Czech language course all over at that time but unless my husband was willing to travel a couple of hours, 3 times a week to a large university, there was no way for him to learn the language. Until the day when Keith finally came accoss a “hidden”,self-paced Czech course at a local college. When I heard the word “self-paced” though, I cringed. “Self-paced Czech? That’s rough!” I thought to myself. Little did I know that was just the beginning of a grim reality which my husband would slowly reveal to me. Let’s start with the teacher: the “Czech language” professor was not Czech, in fact she didn’t even speak it, she was American but taught about 6 different Slavic languages, including Czech (beats me!!). How about the textbook? The book was published in 1968, typed – as typed on a typewriter (!!) – remember? That manual thing that had a lot of buttons with letters on them and made an incredible amount of noise? Yeah, that one…

Since the book itself was about 40 years old the pages were yellow and faded…and spotted with food marks by some students that are probably dead by now. One could get over the look of the book if the content was good, but not with this one. The book was bad. It was called the “Conversation in Czech”, meaning there was not a word about the Czech grammar. The pages were filled with lengthy sentences without a word of explanation about their actual grammatic structure. Just to give you a feel of the textbook here are a few very “useful” phrases:

• Dobre jitro, soudruhu! (Good Morning, comrade!)

One can see the obvious problem in here. Since we have not been a communist state for about 20 years now, the word “comrade” is not being used very much at all…In fact, it is kind of despised by the Czechs. Also, the expression “Dobre Jitro” is also quite the archaic term, which only the Czech grandmas would appreciate. How about “Dobre rano” instead so that the current Czech generation would actually understand what you are saying??

• Bilou kavu, prosim. (White Coffee, please)

Excuse me, but who the heck drinks White coffee nowadays? I will tell you who – nobody! That’s how popular that drink is…

• Co se hraje dnes vecer v divadle? (What do they play this evening in the theatre?)

• Jdu do divadla a pak musim pockat na autobus. ( I am going to the theatre and afterwards I have to catch a bus.)

OK, I can see about a 15% use of these phrases.

And then comes the dialog:

• Studuji na Karlove universite. (I study at the Charles University)
• Dostal jste stypendium? (Did you get a scholarship?)
• Ne. (No.)
• To je skoda. (That’s a pity)
• Procpak skoda? (Why a pity?)

And the book goes on and on. Bottom line, my poor hubby had to memorize the whole sentences such as: “Me nejoblibenesji jidlo je veprova krkovice, knedliky a cervene zeli s okurkou” (My favorite meal is pork shoulder with dumplings and red cabbage and a sweet pickle” or ” Nemohu si s vami dat bilou kavu, soudruhu, nebot mi za 20 minut jede tramvaj” (I cannot have a white coffee with you my dear comrade because I have to catch the tram in 20 minutes”) without knowing what each word really means. Keith was a premium student: he made himself a bunch of flash cards, I recorded all of the phrases on a tape for him so he could listen to them while driving; he also went to the language lab and listen to some additional Czech tapes. Although it was a 1-unit class, it had as much homework as all of his other classes added together. Keith did take the first exam but then decided to drop out because it was just way too much work. And since he didn’t learn ANY grammar most of the “useful” sentences he did memorize have just faded away. Once in a while Keith gets a flashback and all of a sudden, out of nowhere, I hear him say: “Procpak skoda?”

Today is a new day, a new beginning and my hubby is happily learning new Czech words when he hears me talk Czech with our daughter. He now knows important words such as “papat” (eat), “kocicka” (kitty), “haji, haji” (sleepy, sleepy), and can sing you almost the whole baby riddle “Paci, paci, pacicky“. And that’s just the beginning….

CZ: Uz jsem vam asi rikala, ze se muj manzel pokousel ucit cestinu, ze jo. No, a ted bych vam o tom rada rekla trosku vic, protoze to opravdu stoji za to. V te dobe jsme hledali skolu, ktera by nabizela kurz cestiny proste vsude. Ale vypadalo to tak, ze bud bude Keith sedet 3-krat tydne 3 hodiny v aute nebo mame smulu. Jednoho dne Keith ale prisel domu, a ze pry ma pro me prekvapeni, a ze kurz ceskeho jazyka konecne nasel. Je pry “self-paced” (samoucny)….”Coze? Samoucny??” Vykrikla jsem. Jsem co se tyce techto kurzu dosti skepticka, natoz kdyz prijde k tezkemu jazyku, jako je cestina. To ovsem nebylo vsechno; behem tydne jsem se dozvedela dalsi “podrobnosti”: ucitelka nebyla ceska, vlastne cesky ani neumela. Byla to Americanka, odbornik ve slovankych jazycich – ucila (nebo spise dohlizela na zaky) tedy Polstinu, Rustinu….asi 10 dalsich jazyku. A ucebnice? Ta byla z roku 1968 a napsana na psacim stroji (!!), pamatujete? Ta podivna vec s tisice pavoucimi knofliky, ktere delali priserny hluk, kdyz jste je zmackla? Jelikoz tato ucebnice byla skoro 40 let stara, stranky byly zezloutle a vybledle, poskvrnene mastnymi fleky od hladovych studentu, kteri jsou uz dnes pravdepodobne “pod drnem”. Clovek by mohl ignorovat vzhled teto ucebnice, kdyby alespon k necemu byla, ale ona bohuzel k nicemu nebyla. Jmenovala se “Coversation in Czech”, coz znamena, ze tam nebylo ani slovicko o gramatice. Stanky byly plne dlouhych, komplikovanych vet, aniz by autor vysvetlil jejich strukturu. Nize je uvedeno par “uzitecnych” prikladu z prvni lekce:

• Dobre jitro, soudruhu!

Vetsina lidi vidi, co je tady za problem. Jelikoz Cechy nejsou komunistickym statem jiz od roku 1989 (skoro 20 let), slovo “soudruh” se jiz jaksi nepouziva…Spise jsou na nej lidi alergicti. A “dobre jitro”? Tento starocesky vyraz z 19. stoleti by byl ocenen spise ceskymi babickami/prababickami nez “normalni” verejnosti. Vzdyt by se tomu chudakovi vysmali!

• Bilou kavu, prosim!

Prominte, ale kdo dnes pije “bilou kavu”? Nikdo!

• Co se hraje dnes vecer v divadle?

• Jdu do divadla a pak musim pockat na autobus.

Dobra, dobra, z techto 2 frazi vidim alespon castecny uzitek…

A pak prijde dialog:

• Studuji na Karlove universite.
  
• Dostal jste stypendium?
  
• Ne.
  
• to je skoda.
  
• Procpak skoda?

A tak to jde strana po strance. No, co vam mam povidat; chudak Keith se musel ucit nazpamet cele vety, jako je “Me nejoblibenesji jidlo je veprova krkovice, knedliky a cervene zeli s okurkou” nebo ” Nemohu si s vami dat bilou kavu, soudruhu, nebot mi za 20 minut jede tramvaj”, aniz by vedel co napriklad to slovo “je” vubec znamena. Byl ale velmi pilny zacek: jednotlive vety si napsal na karty, a to ruznymi barvami, aby ty preklady mohl rozlisit; nahrala jsem mu vsechny vety na kazetu ( s pravym ceskym prizvukem:) a ty si poslouchal pri jizde autem; take pravidelne navstevoval “language lab”, kde poslouchal dalsi ceske jazykove kazety. I kdyz to byl pouze 1-unitovy kurz (vetsina kurzu “stoji” 3-4 unitu), domacich ukolu pro tento predmet mel vic, nez pro vsechny jeho dalsi predmety dohromady! Proto se nakonec rozhodl, cestinu vzdat – aby se z toho nezblaznil. Jednou za cas z niceho nic dnes vypusti par ceskych slov jako je “Procpak skoda?”, ale jinak si z tohoto “uzitecneho” kurzu bohuzel moc nepamatuje. V soucasne dobe je tu ale dalsi zdroj ceskeho jazyka, a to je nase miminko Hanicka. Keith me slysi, jak se s ni bavim cesky a jiz pilne opakuje slova jako je “papat”, “mlicko”, nebo “haji, haji”. Take umi uz skoro celou rikanku “Paci, paci, paciky!”. A to je jen zacatek…