How to argue so your spouse will listen…

So my husband and I had the urge to enlighten ourselves as a couple and went to a marriage seminar called “How To Argue So Your Spouse Will Listen: 6 Principles for Turning Arguments into Conversations” by Sharon Morris May. The class was so great that I decided to write a post about it; true, this post doesn’t have anything to do with anything Czech per say (unless May’s ancestors come from Bohemia, which I wouldn’t be surprised….I swear, if asked, 95% of Americans tell you that their grandma was Czech) but I think that anyone could benefit from these advices….

Basically, she calls our spouses the “Safe haven“: When we know our loved one is there for us we can face any kind of difficult thing in our life. If the safe haven gets disturbed (i.e. we get into an argument) our alarm system goes off and we protest. How this protest comes out depends on how we were raised. The hurtful experiences of our childhood become our tender spots of today (if we were shamed for crying, for example, then we may protest by shutting off) or “dragons” as Sharon calls them.

So, when we argue we have to fight off these dragons as well as restore our Safe Haven by:

1. Creating a safe place (reassuring our spouse that we love them and that we are committed)

2. Comforting the Dragons ( listen to your spouse’s complaint; find what may be true in what he/she is saying; EMPATHIZE!)

3. Listen attentively and summarize back her complaint so that both of you know you are on the same page

4. If you are the one stating a complaint:

• give the information rather than ruminate and attack; share your feelings
• listen to your spouse’s prospective

5. If your are the one listening to a complaint:

• the complaint might be inside the criticism
• Is there any truth to the complaint?
• Express understanding

6. Apologize and be specific!

7. FORGIVE! (for those who are Christians, our call is pretty simple and clear: forgive because Christ forgave you all of your sins)