I was thinking about making post about Czech jokes the other day, about how funny and yet so cruel they can be! The first google result brought me to the My Czech Republic forum where participants talk just about this particular topic. One of the participant’s response (Petr B) was especially helpful in forming these following ideas. He says: “About Czech jokes. I don’t think we have those “how many … takes to exchange a bulb”, “knock-knock” or “lawyer” jokes…”. He is right, I did not even realize that! Here are some of the categories that me and the forum guy came up with:
CZ: Chtela jsem napsat post o ceskych vtipech a pri svem googlovani jsem natrefila na forum My Czech Republic, kde se lide bavili prave o tomto tematu. Jedna osoba (Petr B) byla velmi dulezita pri formovani techto skupin:
1. Chauvinist/Feminist jokes
1. Feminists from all over the world are having a huge meeting. On the stage appears an English feminist and says: “I came home, I hit the table with my wrist and said to my husband:”I am not cooking from now on”. I see nothing the first week or the second week, but the first week I see my husband cooking dinner.” The hall vibrates with a great applause. The second guest speaker is a German feminist and says: “I came home, hit the table with my fist and said to my husband: ” I am not doing laundry from now on!”. I see nothing the first week or the second week. The third week, I see my husband doing the laundry.” Even greater applause came from the audience. Then the Czech feminist goes on stage and says: “I came home, hit the table with my fist and said to my husband: “From now on, I am not cooking or doing the laundry.” The first week I see nothing; the second week I see nothing; when third week rolls around I am starting to see with one eye.”
CZ: Feministky z celého světa mají sjezd. Na pódium vystoupí anglická feministka a povídá: “Přišla jsem domů, bouchla jsem do stolu a říkám: Ode dneška nevařím. První týden nic nevidím, druhý týden nic nevidím a třetí týden vidím svého muže vařit.” Mohutný potlesk.
Vystoupí německá feministka a povídá: “Já jsem přišla domů, bouchla jsem do stolu a říkám: Ode dneška neperu. První týden nic nevidím, druhý týden nic nevidím a třetí týden vidím svého muže prát.” Ještě větší potlesk, posluchačky bouří nadšením.
Na pódium vystoupí česká feministka a povídá: “Přišla jsem domů, bouchla jsem do stolu a říkám: Ode dneška už neperu ani nevařím. První týden nic nevidím, druhý týden nic nevidím a třetí týden začínám vidět na pravé oko.
2. A woman came to the doctor, totally black and purple in the face. “What happened to you, miss?” says the doctor. “When my husband comes home from the pub every night, he beats me. What should I do to prevent this horrible behavior?”
“Make yourself a chamomile tea and right when your husband gets home from the pub, start gargling with the tea. Come back in a week for a check-up.”
In a week the woman comes back for her check-up, completely healed-up in her face and says:”It worked,doctor! He does not beat me anymore!” The doctor says: “I knew that if you shut up, everything is going to be fine..”
CZ: Přišla paní k lékaři – modrá, zelená, zbitá.
“Co se vám stalo, paní?”
“Když se muž vrátí opilý z hospody, pokaždé mě takhle zmlátí. Co mám dělat, pane doktore?”
“Udělejte si heřmánkový čaj a když přijde muž z hospody, kloktejte. A po týdnu se ukažte.”
Za týden paní přijde, žádné stopy po pranici:
“Zabralo to, pane doktore, nezmlátil mě!”
“Milá paní, já to věděl. Stačilo držet hubu…..”
2. Jokes about stupid/corrupt cops (police is generally not liked in the Czech Republic since they take bribes from people).
A prospective policeman is being interviewed:
The interviewer asks a question: “So,gentlemen, we are no idiots here – show us how you can decline the word “apple”.
The first guy goes: “Ja blko, ty blko, on blko (complete nonsense). The interviewer says: “That was great! Above all expectations! How about this other guy, can you decline the word “city”?
The second guy goes: “Me sto, tobe sto a veliteli tri sta!” (again complete nonsense). The interviewer says: “Perfect! Both of you got the job!”
CZ: [Probíhá konkurz na nového policajta]
Předseda komise klade otázku: Tak uchazeči, tady nejsme žádní hlupáci, takže nám ukážete, jak umíte skloňovat. Uchazeči 1, vyskloňujte nám slovo “jablko”.
Uchazeč 1: Já blko, ty blko, on blko.
Předseda komise: Nad očekávání skvělé, ale přece jen dáme šanci i dalšímu uchazeči. Uchazeči 2, vyskloňujte nám slovo “město”.
Uchazeč 2: Mě sto, tobě sto a veliteli tři sta!
Předseda komise: Perfektní, bereme Vás.
3. Pepicek (a little schoolboy’s name) jokes:
The family is eating dinner. Mom asks her unhappy-looking son:”What’s wrong Pepicku?” “I don’t like my sister”. “Then put her on the side of the plate”.
CZ: Rodina ji veceri. Maminka se zepta otraveneho Pepicka:”Co ti Pepicku prosimte je?” “Nemam rad svoji sestru.” “Tak ji dej na kraj talire.”
4. Jokes comparing nationalities (usually Czech, German, Russian and American):
1. The Englishman gets up, looks around and gets off the tram.
– The American gets up, looks around to see if he’s left anything behind and then gets off the tram.
– The Czech gets up, looks around to see if anyone else has left anything behind and then gets off the tram.
5. Black humor jokes
– this is a mild one, I know..:
Mom decided that she needed to start exercising when she was sixty and started walking 5 kilometers a day. She is now ninety and we have no idea where she is.
CZ: Matka se rozhodla, že potřebuje začít cvičit, když ji bylo šesdesat a začala chodit pět kilometrů každý den. Ted’ jí je devatesat a nemáme žadne poneti, kde je.
Now let’s close up with some adorable laughing Czech baby:
Source: http://www.myczechrepublic.com/boards/viewtopic.php?t=4939&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=30
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The second guy goes: “Me sto, tobe sto a veliteli tri sta!” (again complete nonsense). The interviewer says: “Perfect! Both of you got the job!”
Well, you aparently missunderstood the joke: “město” (town in czech) sounds like “me hundred” so the joke is: One hundred (czk) for me, one hundred for you and three hundred for chief. (The rate of bribe sharing within cops..)
I gotta agree with Pepa. But pleased you dig czech. Sweet.
I would add some info about the police joke:
The first guy goes: “Ja blko, ty blko, on blko (complete nonsense).
It has a pattern – já = I, ty = you, on = he. So it is actually I blko, you blko, he blko. But “blko” is nonsense, yes :). What said the second guy was explained by Pepa in one of previous comments.
Greetings from Czech ^^.
In the old days of Dakota Territory (South Dakota) many of the immigrant farmers distrusted banks. My cousin tells of an episode when bad men came to the homestead. They wanted money and were to be robbed. The family was outside in the garden area, so mother dug up a can with money they had burried. the robbers satisfied left. Father was upset so after the episode and asked mother which can she had given them? True tales from Dakota.
Q.How many Czechs does it take to change a light bulb? A. Three, one to bitch loudly that the light bulb needs to be changed, one to change it, and one to bitch loudly that the one who changed it did a crappy job!
Q.Why do Czechs yell loudly in an argument? A. Because they are too stupid and witless to carry on a civil discourse.
Q. How can you determine the Czech population of a town easily? A. Throw a penny on main street!
So you don’t think I am a hater, I will tell some jokes about my nationality.
Q. Why can’t an Irishman become a lawyer? A. They can’t pass the bar
Q.What’s an Irish seven course meal? A. A corned beef sandwich and a six-pack!
Life is nothing when you lose your morals
How do you count the Czech population of a town? Throw a penny down the main street in town
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Why do Czech girls like anal sex so much? Because who would want to raise a kid in the Czech republic. OOOOOuch
I live in Cedar Rapids, IA. Home of the Czech Museum. We have a rather large population of Czechs and down through the years some very bad jokes have been circulated about the Czech people. Back in the early 1960’s someone published a small booklet of them called: Czech & Double Czech. The only story I remember from the booklet was of the fellow that went to use the outhouse. He was startled there was someone below the hole. He asked the fellow what he was doing down there. The Czech fellow replied he had dropped his sweater down the hole by accident. The first fellow asked why he didn’t just buy a new sweater. The Czech fellow replied: It’s not the sweater I’m after. There was a kolache in the pocket. :o( The little booklet was filled with dozens of similarly distasteful stories. They sold hundreds of copies at about 50 cents, if I recall correctly, and I probably don’t. As a small child I lived in South Chicago. There were so many immigrants in that rather “rough” neighborhood there weren’t enough stories to go around about any certain group. In Cedar Rapids, the Czech’s were the “predominate” minority. :o)